Feeling awful. :/

I had a major cold during the weekend, and it's still awful. I can't seem to catch my breath, keep coughing, nose is stuffed up, have chills, throat hurts. I feel so bad. :/

And to make it worse, it's been raining for the past 24 hours (thanks to Tropical Storm Hermine) and it just adds to it. I just feel like curling up in my room and watching a movie. 
Drake is coming around, I think... He's in one of my classes, so it's hard for him to ignore me. We just got a new seating chart and he sits right next to me, so that'll be awkward. :/ We're staying in this seating chart for a long long long time. School is going good, though homework is killing me, especially with being sick. I'm now 13 weeks pregnant. My stomach is slowly getting bigger, though right now I'm pretty sure it's just mostly me being really bloated. My pants aren't really fitting super well, I can still wear them just fine but they're not all that comfortable. I guess this is the last week of my first trimester, which is insane. 1/3 of  the pregnancy is over. It's already going by so fast. I'm eating like a pig, and whenever my mom is home, she keeps commenting on my eating habits. Her and my dad are totally in denial that I'm pregnant. They haven't even talked at all about it, they just leave pamphlets about adoption on the table, in my room... I don't think they understand anything. I am for sure keeping this baby. I wish they would accept that.

Just a Thought.

So tonight at the high school service at church we were talking about helping the community and how when we pour our hearts out into others, God can just change everything about your life. And it really spoke to me. Melissa (one of the youth leaders, who was talking) was saying how Jesus was born to an unwed, 13-15 year old Mary. For some reason that just made me feel better about it... I mean, I know it's totally different and all, but still. I just felt like, close to her or something. I have no idea. And then how they were saying things about pouring your life into others and your own life will be more fulfilled... I just felt like things would be okay. I'm going to be pouring everything into this baby. Instead of making my life worse, could it possibly make it a heck of a lot better?

On another note, I am having a MAJOR sweet tooth right now. And I'm downing milk like nobody's business! I'm not tired at all, but it's almost 10:40pm and I've got to get up bright and early at 5:30am for school tomorrow, so I should really hit the hay... Night everyone!

First week of school

Well it went fairly well. I'm already procrastinating though, I have like, two projects that I really need to start on this weekend. I like all of my teachers, but it's just SO awkward that Drake is in my physics class... We just kind of ignore each other, I guess. :/ 
I'm having more morning sickness now, but it's not really that bad. I know it could be a heck of a lot worse.
I pretty much have ZERO communication with my parents. They just won't talk to me. I have no idea what to do with them... My mom is pushing adoption, but I've decided to keep it, and nobody can or will change my mind. Madi and Liz are being really great about this. But I don't know, I almost feel like Liz is kind of jealous? She's always wanted a boyfriend and kids so bad... I have no idea, it's weird.
Well anyways, I just thought I should post something, even though it's short. It's almost midnight and I am SO exhausted, so I'm off to bed.

11 weeks/DR

So I'm now 11 weeks. I had my first appointment today, since I found out so late and didn't find out at all. I mean, 9 weeks is fairly late, it makes a difference. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner, honestly. I mean, I did start suspecting it 2 weeks before I found out, but I didn't get myself up to take a test for a bit. :/ But anyway. Everything is good, doctor said the heartbeat is normal, measurements look like I'm about 11 weeks and said I was right and would be due March 14, like I thought. I'm not really having morning sickness thank god, just a bad gag reflex and a lot of nausea. I just feel really blah. It's weird, because I'm SO achy and even cramp-y. It sucks, but not much I can do about it. And at least I'm not sitting over a toilet all day. I've gained about 4 pounds, which is pretty normal for me. I can't believe I just found out and now I'm about to be in my second trimester.
Via BabyCenter, the baby is 1 1/2 inches long, and the size of a fig. It's almost fully formed, with hands, legs, fingers and toes. It's moving, kicking, and stretching in there. The skin is still transparent, and the bones are beginning to harden. It's also able to open and close hands into fists.
I'm still getting okay sleep. I mean, sometimes I'm restless but I don't know if that's because I'm pregnant or because I'm just nervous about everything and am thinking about things a lot. I'm not showing quite yet, but I'm really bloated a lot, and my pants are tighter. It's weird. :/ No cravings yet, but I've got some major aversions to some random things like fish, pickles, boiled eggs and some chocolate. Which is weird, usually I love pickles and chocolate. Strange. :O
At my doctor's appointment, they just asked me a whole bunch of questions about my relationship with friends, family, my parents, the dad. They asked about my grades, my extra-curriculars, if I did drugs/drank (or if I ever have) and other random questions like that. They listened to the heartbeat first, then did an ultra sound, weighed me, etc. Like I said, everything is normal, so that's good I guess....
I'm still in shock that I'm pregnant, really. Madi went to the appointment with me, it was nice to have someone there for me. :) 
On BabyCenter, I see women who have struggled to get pregnant for a long time, or who have had multiple losses and have experienced so much heartbreak and let downs... And I just wonder why I got pregnant, not one of them? Not one of those who were deserving, ready, excited. People who will make great parents. Not me, a high school student with minimal support, and who dreads this whole thing. I just don't think it's fair. :/ But I guess there's nothing I can do about it except hope that I can get more excited about this as the pregnancy goes on.

First day of school/Telling parents.

So telling my parents was an emotional disaster. I just came out and told them when we were all in the same place, and they freaked out, saying "What did we do wrong in raising you?" I just insisted that they didn't raise me at all, and told them that when I looked back on my childhood, I saw Anya, and not them. We fought some more, they told me I wouldn't be keeping it, and so on. I almost want to do out just out of spite. To show them that I can do it. I still don't know what I want... To keep it, or to put it up for adoption. But I told them that I wouldn't be factoring their opinion in my choice, and they went off on me. So I just went to my room and they didn't bother coming back up to talk to me. I don't even think they know HOW to talk to me, without it turning into a fight. Like I've said, they have no skills with me. They don't even know me. They don't know my favorite color, my favorite books, my hopes and dreams... The only things they know about me are what they think I am - or rather, what they want me to be. They think it's who I really am, but it's not. And it never will be. :/

Anyways... Today was the first day of school. I like most of my teachers, especially my speech teacher, she seems AWESOME. I don't really like my Spanish teacher so much, but maybe she'll be better later. The first day is always boring, handing out papers, weird schedules where you end up only having 20 minutes for each class because you spend to long in your advisories. Luckily choir is 5th, and I have B lunch which is in the middle of it. Hardly anyone has B lunch this year, I just sat with Cheyenne, Monica and Taylor, and hopefully maybe I'll find some other people to sit with. If not, they're cool, so it's okay. :) The first football game is Thursday, I'm so excited! :))) Drake is in my physics class. :///// This will be so awkward. I have a foreign exchange student from Hong Kong in my choir class, and also another one from the Czech Republic in my Algebra II class, and yet another from Australia in my speech class. It's awesome. :) No one knows I'm pregnant yet, and unless Drake tells people, they won't until I start showing. I hope this year is good...

Telling people.

So I've told some people, now. I told Anya, Madison and Liz, and Drake. 1 out of the 4 didn't turn out so well. :/ 
When I told Anya, she just gave me a big hug and talked to me about all my options. She seems to think that I've already made my choice in my heart - that I'm keeping it. She's kind of right... In my heart, I want to keep it and be a mother. But my head tells me that it's wrong, and that I can't do that at sixteen. She called the doctor's office for me, and offered to go with if I need someone. My appointment is Tuesday.
Madi and Liz both were very accepting and even semi-excited. Liz was super excited - she's always said she can't wait to be a mom, and now she gets to live through me, I guess. Madi is always the more mature, realistic one, and when they were leaving she pulled me aside and made sure that if I ever needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on that she was there. I forgot how much I rely on those two. I don't know what I'd do without them.
Drake... He didn't take it as well. He told me that I should get an abortion or he'd leave. So I told him to leave. I know that abortion just isn't for me. He also said that us having sex was a huge mistake. I know it was, but hearing it from him in the way he said it and meant it... It really hurt. I don't know how I feel towards him anymore... A friend said that I should hold out hope on him, that he may just not know how to deal with it, and his feelings... But I don't know... I always knew that he'd leave. I don't think he's coming back. 
And tomorrow, I have to tell my parents. That's guaranteed to be a crying-fest with me. :/

The Beginning.

So this is the beginning, I guess. This is the beginning of my story.

My full name is Emmaline Livinia. I've always gone by Emmi to everyone, though. Everyone but my parents. They always call me Emmaline. I'd like to say that my parents were enthralled with the idea of having a child. They were excited, looked forward to it. They decorated the nursery, sifted through dozens of perfect names for their perfect daughter. But then, once that daughter came, after a while they got bored of it. Of being parents. They missed their social lives, their work. So they looked for "help". A full time nanny/cook/housekeeper, basically a stand in mom. They found one, named Anya, to look after me. Basically, when I look back on my childhood, I don't see my parents, I see her. She's been the shoulder I cry on with a broken heart, the one to remind me about my homework, the one to give me tips on makeup and clothes. But as much as she is there for me, she's not always around. So I spent a lot of my childhood raising myself. 
I guess, with the lack of attention I got growing up, I began looking for it in other ways. Mostly in boys. I didn't really jump from boy to boy or anything, but I did have a lot of boyfriends. My current boyfriend, Drake, has been the longest-standing one so far. When he said he wanted to have sex, I knew deep down it was wrong, but I spent forever convincing myself that it was what everyone did, and I guess I just wanted someone to tell me I was the most important thing in their world. I realize now that anyone can say it... But not everyone means it.
Two  later, I started feeling sick a lot, and my boobs hurt. Most importantly, I was pretty late on my period. Combine this, and even I knew what that meant. I knew I had to take a pregnancy test. I did, and it was positive. I took even two more, still positive. It didn't sink in for a while, and when I counted back, figuring I was about 9 weeks, it just all set in. I'm having a baby. At sixteen. I still don't know what I'm going to do, and still, nobody knows. I plan on telling Anya tomorrow, then my best friend Madison and my other best friend Liz, then Drake, and finally, my parents. Abortion isn't for me, and I don't think I can watch my child raised in someone else's arms. But then again, I don't know if I can keep it. I know I can, but I don't know if they would be the best thing, given my situation. I'm still searching for answers, any maybe with telling someone and talking about it, I'll be able to figure it out. I guess all I can do is hope for the best. 
This blog will be me talking about my journey. I'll be starting my junior year on Monday, and I'm hoping that people at school will be okay with this, when I start showing.